Many of us strive to be faithful to God, to live lives of coherence and responsibility. Why, when all appears as it should, are we sometimes plagued by a sense of falseness, of faithlessness? Where does this come from?
I find that faithlessness to God begins when we are faithless to ourselves – when we misuse our time and energies, when we live out of anything less than integrity. We are faithless to ourselves in many ways: we cheat ourselves when we hide behind fear and procrastination, we abandon ourselves by allowing others to speak for us, we are faithless when we allow fear to drive us, acting out of insecurity rather than belovedness.
Outwardly all may be well. We may be the only person who recognizes that something is off. But if we’re paying attention, we will know. When we are faithless, we lose our clarity and sully our senses; though God’s spirit dwells in us, we cannot hear the spirit; though we know our surroundings, we cannot find the way.
Here is a mystery: being present with God requires being present with oneself. Integrity is indivisible. Knowing God, I must know myself.